Duality conflict

Posted by I'm the penguin | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, January 05, 2010

How have you been feeling Ray? Anything new this Holidays? Have you worked things out with your family

Well, the thing is that whenever I see them I feel like there's no longer an issue and so I let it slip, but then I get this huge frustration for not doing what I was going to.

You feel like you would ruin the environment of comfort and stability?

Yes, yes. And I'd love to cling on to that as my excuse, but truth is that I really don't have the frigging balls to do it.

How does that make you feel?

Well, I guess I should feel bad about it. But truth is that it doesn't make me dissatisfied, because nothing really does, it feels like there is nothing to be dissatisfied about. Not that live is perfect. I just feel this emptiness provoked by a dead sick nostalgia of a delusional relationship and a sorrow that has never felt real or caused by anything. And then there is this part of me that makes me... forces me to look like I'm feeling well, because there's nothing really or tragic around, and so I shouldn't feel bad.

So I just feel guilty to be depressed and at the same time that takes me down and it's just a whole cocktail of self provoked frustrations and it suffocates me, it doesn't let me be. And then it comes back, the feeling that I'm just stupid and self destructive out no reason. But truly I feel that I need to let myself go, to be depressed, to talk trash and reach rock bottom. I just want to go running to the street and scream and cry my lungs out and jump off a bridge.

Have you been having suicidal thoughts again?

No, that was just... a figure of speech. You know, I would just love for someone to ask me -Hey, are you okay- and as always I would say -sure- and then this person would look into my eyes and just say -don't lie-.

...

It would be nice. But then again there is this part of me that will always tell me that's just fucking selfish of me and that I should grow up. But also the part that wishes I could depress properly, you know all tragic and stuff.

Do you talk about this to anyone close Ray?

I once tried to tell the school counselor, who thought this was not right for a 5th grader, so I ended up here.

I see...



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