Recurrent dreams

Posted by I'm the penguin | Posted in | Posted on Monday, November 16, 2009

I sometimes day dream that I go back to that moment where he spoke of pedophiles and such and I tell him to fuck off
"what the hell?!" he complains, because he obviously doesn't know what's coming next
"Do you really meant what you just said?" I ask, he doesn't know it is an ultimatum
"Well, yes why?" he says, because in my dream people actually do what they would in reality (at least at the beginning)
"Well f* you very very much"

And then I storm out and let them say whatever they'll have to say, because from that moment on I'm at war. I don't need them, or anyone else for that matter. And so I begin this huge campaign, I make drama and whatever needs to be made in the streets and make a huge media buzz. I appear on the radio and make it to nationals, because I no longer care and this is what I'm doing.

And I know that at first it will be out of surprise and it won't be that hard. But later they'll hate me, and they'll hurt me and try to destroy me. But it won't matter because their hate will deflect, because anyone who's not with me is against me, at this point I will know that is very radical of me, but that will be the only way to keep going, to be radical and fight with all that is left.

I will be out of friends and full of foes, and that will be exactly what I was aiming for, because this war was not really about the cause, but for me. So I fight and take it to international institutions, which won't really do much but will still have some role into it, and I will then be tired, really tired and near to forget what the whole fuss was for. But I will remember, I will bring back the main drive: I do this to destroy myself.

Because this war didn't really need to be fought, but I will. I will be shred into pieces, because even if I will never admit it, they will affect me, and eventually destroy me. And so this war will end with me trying to save the remaining pieces of what I was, and glue them with desperation and anguish, because I know that will never be me, nevermore. And then the thousand eyes will look away because I won't have it in me to keep on fighting.

And there will be no turning back because I already destroyed whatever there was to turn back to. I will be shattered and lonely, and finally I will be lured into the darkness like I always wanted. But unlike in my hopes, there will be no safe rope to come back, that is now way to sink into the dark side. I will enter deep and dark, and I will do things no person should, and see things I would not have been able to imagine. And I will believe to have touched bottom, to then being able to find new depths.

Then there will be nothing in me that is able to come out of that, and I will be simply lying near dead in a lonely alley being food to rats. And only then will I finally be out of reach, out of redemption, free of whatever plot device might be used to heal me and bring me back to good; I will be finished for good.

But then I wake up from the daydream and realize I'm too coward to do that, or so I tell myself. And then I think what a horrendous end would that be, secretly wishing for the right timing to begin the war against myself, at last my great perhaps.



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